November crept upon me. I didn't notice it's arrival because the temperatures were in the 60's and the trees were still holding fast to their trees. As summer changed into fall I was so certain that life would improve. I told myself all those things we've been taught: "Things will get better", "Tim will get a another job any day now", "Don't worry of course he will get him unemployment how can they say they fired him when they laid him off and even hired a placement firm for him". Just when you talk yourself into believing things couldn't get worse- they do. Even though the MESC avaocate thought Tim would get his unemployment-they ruled against him..So The unemployment he collected in June July and August- we have to pay back--somehow! My new school assignment is 32 miles away and it costs me 50.00 per week in gas just to get to work!
November also brings the end of the first instructional quarter which means assigning grades to 515 students,parent teacher conferences for 3 schools on 4 evenings, Timmy's 10 birthday on the 6th, KayLee birthday on the 16th, one aunt and two neices to send birthday cards to. Wrap that in with no unemployment for Tim, the death of Tim's best friend Kevin, and heart surgury for Aunt Klio, and I'll bet you can understand the way to describe how I am feeling is- worn down. I feel like that sound you hear when a child is sturpping from the straw sucking up the last bit of liquid from the bottom of the glass. The glass is empty yet the sucking continues and the noise sends a resounding chill that reaches right down into your soul. Do I even dare to hope things will get better or does that act alone somehow invite more trouble to follow???
So for now I paint on my teacher smile at work and my Mommy smile at home all the while wishing I could see a bit of light--of hope--of any promise of better days ahead. I wonder if my shoulders are strong enough to carry this burden of somehow supporting this family, this house, this husband. Have you ever felt so broken you have no strenght left to even pray? My Aunt called last week to ask me how I was doing-I guess the best answer I can give is Functioning!
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2 comments:
Kelly,
Hang in there. Things will definitely get better. Until that happens, just take it one day at a time. We hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!
Gary & fam
Deboers - while it may not pay the electric bill, or fill a depleted gas tank, or put food on your table...please know we love all of you very much. If our fondness for your wonderful family could be converted to gold coins, you would be rich beyond belief. For now, it is just love and prayerful thoughts and faith that you will turn the corner, one day soon, and be in a better place.
Happy Thanksgiving. I wish we could be there.
Love,
Lisa
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